5o shades of blue
by liliths
Summary: 5o prompts, 5o drabbles, 5o days, 50th anniversary. for 5o days of doctor who tumblr challenge. o4 – favorite episode
1. o1

**I signed up for **_**50 days of Doctor Who **_**because I'm suicidal and I need Doctor Who prompts. Dedicated to Selene because late birthday stuff and her favorite Doctor. I know this challenge is supposed to be like tumblr and text posts, but I like writing drabbles instead.**

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5o days of doctor who

day o1 – who was your first doctor

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The oncoming storm, they called him, like he was a doom, like he was something you should be afraid of, some monster you should turn tail and run away from. They named him as if he was simple, painted with simple black and white rather than shades of dizzying gray, like he was bound for Hell, without a chance for Purgatory.

And who knows? Maybe he is.

But he pushes these thoughts away as he sprints through the Gamma Forests, running like the other humans, dashing like the wind, like a Doctor, just like every other day.

He's been running for a long time, running for his whole life, and he wants to stop. Simply stand still and let the monsters ambush him. No regeneration. Just like that.

As he's skidding to a halt, his breath coming out in wheezy gasps for air, he sees a little girl peeking from behind the boughs of a pine tree, and immediately, his thoughts pivot. No, _he was the Doctor, and the Doctor will _never_ let a little girl die._

He takes three steps towards the little girl before she flinches and shrinks away, and he realizes she thinks he's a monster, just like the rest of the world. He tries to hide the hurt rising in his chest and focuses on the situation at hand.

"What is your name?" he asks, putting on his big, goofy smile, his mask he wears all the time.

The little girl hesitates before she points at her shirt without saying a word. He looks closer, and by doing so, he sees silver stitching running along the hem, spelling a name against the green fabric.

"Run, Lorna," he tells her. "Run."

As he's leaving with the TARDIS, he gives her a little wave and a true smile.

So many years later and so far away, he won't remember her. Or maybe he does. Maybe he just doesn't want to remember. And again, he puts on his big smile, his mask, as he watches her life fade away.

"Hey, we ran, you and me! Didn't we, Lorna?"

She closes her eyes with a faint smile and a tear, without a goodbye. They never get a chance to say goodbye.

Unlike the last time, he didn't get to give her a little wave at the end.


	2. o2

**Shorter than last drabble, I know. I apologize for being inconsistent.**

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5o days of doctor who

day o2 – who is your favorite companion

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They hardly ever get to say goodbye. Sometimes, they do. Sometimes, in the last moments of their life, their time with him, they manage to squeeze in a single word, most likely with a tear as well. Sometimes, they leave of their own accord, whether it's because they'd seen the consequences of travelling with him or because they'd seen his true personality–what a monstrosity it must've been to make them leave–he could never tell. And sometimes, rarely but still sometimes, they sacrifice themselves for him. He's never understood that.

Donna Noble was a different case.

She never got a chance to say goodbye–she never got a chance to wave at a little blue box flying away into the sunset. Donna Noble left, she faded away, begging and crying and already lost, but she left in a flurry of sparks, so sudden, in the middle of a sentence, the flow of prose cut off abruptly and–

Maybe that was what death was like. In the middle of a sentence.

She will walk down the street later, stroll down a sidewalk in her old self, in her old, ordinary life, meaningless. She once thought she was useless and ordinary, but the Doctor showed her differently. No one was unimportant, and no one was useless. She saved planets and civilizations with her "ordinary skills," and for the first time in a long time, she felt happy with herself.

And in a way, a part of Donna Noble died the day her journey ended.


	3. o3

**If you can tell I'm bullshitting my way through today's prompt because FFN rules, I applaud you and apologize in advance. This is supposed to be my angst drabble series, dammit.**

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5o days of doctor who

day o3 – which cast/crew member has the best twitter

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The twittering of pigeons fills the air as he sprints down the streets of Manhattan. They sound so peaceful and so happy, so filled with joy when they spread their wings and fly off towards the sun, like Icarus and Daedalus when they took off from Crete.

He wants to chirp and tweet like the birds. He wants to soar, to rid of the heavy weight in his chest.

_Tweet, tweet._

The Doctor comes to a stop by the picnic basket, snatching up the last page with frightening speed, as if Amelia Pond, the girl who waited, could be saved by her last words to the him. She was already fading, and her memory was growing cold, like water slipping through his fingers. Years ago and also years later, she will type these words; her polished nails clicking down on the keys of a typewriter, an author crafting her last sentences–Amelia Pond's very own swan song.

_Afterward: by Amelia Williams._

_Hello, old friend._

_And here we are, you and me, on the last page._

_By the time you read these words, Rory and I will be long gone, so know that we lived well and we're very happy. And above all else, know that we will love you, always._

_Sometimes I do worry about you. I think, once we're gone, you won't be coming back here for a while and you might be alone, which you should never be. Don't be alone, Doctor._

_And do one last thing for me. There's a little girl waiting in a garden. She's going to wait a long while, so she's going to need a lot of hope. Go to her and tell her a story. Tell her that if she's patient, the days are coming she will never forget. Tell her she will go to sea and fight pirates. She'll fall in love with a man who'll wait two thousand years to keep her safe. Tell her she will give hope to one of the greatest painters who ever lived, and save a whale in outer space._

_Tell her, this is the story of Amelia Pond._

_And this is how it ends._

At least she got to say goodbye, unlike so many others before her.

A tear rolls down his cheek as he strolls back towards the streets of Manhattan, watching as a bird calls to another, and seconds later, the two fly off together, towards the sun, twittering happily. The Doctor whistles a birdsong, mimicking the happy creatures' voices.

_Tweet, tweet._

But happy as Icarus was to soar with the wind, he still plummeted towards the sea.


	4. o4

**Like I said, very suicidal of me. I'm behind and I apologize; writing at one in the morning isn't the most productive thing. Spoilers for **_**The Doctor's Wife. **_**Very short.**

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5o days of doctor who

day o4 – favorite episode

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He's lost many things before and suffered so much, Rose, Martha, Donna, Jenny, River–even the Master. They all end up leaving, sooner or later and surely, but he doesn't want to think about it. He doesn't like endings, especially not the sad ones.

This, however, wasn't an ending; it was a loss–plain and simple. When something ends, it ends. No more side stories or epilogues, no more words and no more lines. It is cut off in the middle of a page. We get nothing more. A loss, on the other hand, is something you have to deal with–forever and ever, things you have to move on from even if the chapter is over. The next section isn't going to wait for your grief. Rose, Martha, Donna, River, Jenny–they were losses for him, endings to them, their last page.

This was different. The TARDIS was always different.

She'd said it herself, "life is sad when it ends." An ending and a loss. Surprising, isn't it? How the two words are so often entwined?

He let something precious go today when he watched the golden powdery strands sail back into his TARDIS, lost something he will never get back when he watched her host body fade with tears in his eyes.

He starts opening the TARDIS doors outwards.


End file.
